Rules of Conduct

As a former Catholic, I'm the only one in my family who wanted no ties to organized religion. A seed that began in my teen years as a naive (and admittedly immature) rebellion against authority grew into an all-out, in-depth search of something that sounded true - and I truly left no stone unturned. I was determined to find a religion that suited me, some place I could fit in, a niche to call my own...

There were many "ah - ha!" moments; times when I tripped upon something that really clicked with me. I looked at the teachings of Buddha, ancient Toltec wisdom, practices of the Kabbalists, read some of the Koran - heck, I even looked in the Good News Bible from my old CCD days at Saint Joseph's parish...

I decided that they were all talking about the same damn thing and went back to being me. I further concluded that I would accept no human authority to be any higher than my own, knowing that if I really needed God, or Allah, or whomever, I could - and would - simply dial direct. Cut out the middle man. Religion felt too confining and archaic to me, and not simply because I lacked ability to follow any rules but because I inevitably found that if I questioned the rules too much I would find that a particular dogma simply (for me) did not fit.

Questioning the rules has always gotten humanity into trouble, and it caused me no less. But I was determined to find my own personal divinity, and luckily managed to do so relatively unscathed in the process. I think that questioning beliefs, and accepting that some answers cannot be found in books is one of life's greatest challenges and also an incredible gift. There is honor in this search. One of my favorite quotes is from the Teachings of Buddha and says that "to conquer one's Self is a greater feat than to conquer many in battle."

The turmoil involved in upsetting the applecart is difficult: in my case, I chose not to baptize my daughter when she was born, a decision which troubled my parents greatly. They worried: would she be Godless? Would she have no direction? Is she going straight to hell if she dies? How about that "Original Sin" business - how will we ever wash it away?? The scariest thought of all was the fear of how others in our family might perceive us. (I assured them both that everyone already thought the lot of us were quite mad and nothing was likely to change the tide of opinion at this juncture...)

These thoughts and more crossed my own mind during my first year as a mother. A year like no other in my life, filled with newfound confidence and strength...and also terror at my clear lack of aptitude in tending to infants. I was certainly in need of some rules to live by, some easy no-fail answers from the Book of Life so I wouldn't have to face my fears of failure on my own. I considered baptism seriously and then decided it would be a grave sacrilige on my soul should I divert from the personal spiritual belief system I had so carefully and lovingly cultivated for myself over the last decade. Turn back now? I was not willing to do that, and so moved bravely forward into the face of my shocked parents, and went public with my spiritual self. In retrospect, they handled this quite well.

I write all this not to convince folks one way or the other about baptism, because frankly, I think it is a perfectly nice way to celebrate a new life's entry to the world. It is a symbolic and lovely introduction. It says this child belongs somewhere and that somewhere is not only the family he or she is born into, but also the community at large. It is the soul's first party, comemmorating it's entry into the human vessel. Maybe someday my daughter will choose to be baptized somewhere. I hope she invites me...

I started to occasionally visit church on Sundays this year, despite my deep reservations. I have been going through changes yet again, and it was through the rite of passage that was my daughter's birth four years ago that I can say I decided to re-enter the community in general... and as of late the community I have shunned for so long. I missed the time-out that Sunday service provided. I enjoy pausing to reflect upon my week, listening to a beautiful hymn, and sharing ideas with new friends.

I choose to attend the Universalist church in my neighborhood because of the great respect and tolerance that is shown for all religions and ways of life there. In this ever-shrinking global village we must find a way to understand eachother's traditions respectfully and get along.

I like that I found a place where I can simply be me, and I am not expected to conform to someone else's standard of living. After all, aren't we all made in God's loving image? How can any one of us say one expression is right or wrong? It is pretty typical of us lowly little humans to personify the Divine: we've been doing it through mythology and sanctifying it ever since. As if a power so great actually should have petty preferences regarding our human conduct...as if!

I can hear the gasp of horror from my parents now, but I have found myself back where I started - yet completely changed from my former self. Instead of asking questions of a robed priest who barely made time to consider his answers I now speak to Reverend David Horst who is quite normally attired and takes time to email me and even call me on occasion. I am his equal, and I owe him great thanks for that. I guess I have finally found my place.