Hello there! (Such a cheery greeting coming from a gal who just a mere half hour ago was feeling, shall we say, less than cheery.) I'm feeling good tonight because I'm feeling kind of shitty, if that makes sense. Sometimes, I need a good boo-hoo. I don't indulge often, because I generally find displays of emotional neediness distasteful (a whole other issue). Tonight, however, there was no stopping the floodgates. Something vague has been persistent in gnawing at me for the last couple months and I have been unable to put my finger on it until this evening. When I did find the root of my sadness, I was like a child: inconsolable. I held it all together until I had my daughter safely tucked in bed, then poured myself a generous glass of Grey Goose, sat myself on the kitchen floor and sobbed for what seemed like a long time to me. I usually only allow myself a quick tear or two before wrapping it up and continuing on with the day's responsibilities...not tonight. I sat there, quite dramatically with my vodka and cigarettes, and allowed myself to cry every bit of it out. I needed to indulge these tears and get to the bottom of this melodrama.
With that done I picked myself up and got some scrap paper from the kitchen draw and wrote the following confession. I wrote this thing in order to process my feelings and it was quite cathartic and uplifting. I felt elated as I scribbled out the last sentence with my Sharpie, still down on the kitchen floor. I felt empowered by my pain and my ability to face it in the only way that ever makes sense for me: on my own. I knew if I felt this way then no doubt some of you may feel similarly. So I decide to post for the first time in months - hey, better late than never.
The title of this confession is Pluto in Retrograde, which may bewilder those of you who are not "into" astrology. Pluto is currently in Retrograde (or reverse) motion and will not go direct until September 11. Pluto in astrology represents power and transformation: you will be called to breakdown psychological blocks to your evolutionary growth, depending on its house placement in your natal chart. Pluto in Retrograde changes this energy inward toward soul development, and forces the subconscious to bubble up to the surface. Now is the time to face any inner demons, folks...the energy is ripe, if one is willing. But the truth is elusive and facing our darkest corners can be tricky at best. The question is, how deep are you willing to go to empower yourself?
Here's my kitchen-floor rant: unedited, word for word.
I am what I see.
I am ignorant.
I am trying not to see what I am trying to see.
I am stuck.
I am responsible for my current state of consciousness.
I am the master of my fate - blind or otherwise.
Do I dare to look inside and see the reality of who I am vs. who I pretend to be?
I wear a mask of strength.
I am intolerant of weakness...because I am weak.
I am weak.
I am strong because I am weak.
I am weak nonetheless, and must accept this fact as my truth.
I can live with this.
I have pain that I cannot name.
I do not know where it begins or where it ends.
I have weakness that I cannot heal and this makes me angry.
I disguise feelings of jealousy with self-righteousness.
I am jealous, at this very moment, of other people's happiness.
This makes me feel very small and very sad.
There is a hole on my heart and this hurts.
I have never thought of myself as a jealous person.
This has been my ongoing perception of myself.
This perception is incorrect and has only served to bolster my ego and cause me more suffering.
I do not wish to suffer this deceit any longer so I am hereby releasing my mask of self-confidence and bravado and admitting to myself that I am weak.
This makes me strong.
I have done terrible things to myself and for this I am sorry.
My deepest desire is to deliver myself from this self-inflicted anger and treat myself with greater kindness and respect.
If I can nurture my weakness and shortcomings instead of torturing myself for not being good enough then I have a chance to become whole.
I would like this very much.
I have been blessed with many gifts and have spurned these blessings as a Born-Again Christian curses the Devil.
This has been a grave sin against my soul and I am weak because I never took the chances offered to me.
The word sin means to "miss the mark" when literally translated from the Ancient Greek the New Testament was written in. In sin I miss the point of human existence and live blindly.
I believe that I have done this and it has caused me to suffer and live in disfunction.
I am sorry for this but realize that I needed to learn this way.
This has been my confession.
I am going to publish it because I know that if I feel this way then others must too.
I do not want to live in fear of expressing my true feelings about myself, even if those feelings are shame.
I am ashamed of many behaviors and thoughts.
I own it: it is mine.
My desire is to take this shame out of its dark closet and look at it in the light.
I will look clearly at it, for it is a part of me and that is fine.
Darkness cannot exist where there is light.
Tonight I invited my Shadow to join me. I try to coax her gently out of the closet, but it is a bitch getting her out of there under all the years of accumulated "stuff" I'd thrown on top of her. I think Shadow was surprised by my warm (teary) smile. She stands acknowledged and respected now - as family ought to be- and I've got a refreshing glass of iced tea waiting for her out on the front porch. I give her a hug and let her know I've decided to introduce her to the world. It is nice to see her.
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