Hurry Up and Change!

In life, the only thing that doesn't change is change itself. This is the absolute, the one constant: that everything does - and must - change. As we age from infancy to adulthood the physical manifestation of this is obvious, and Mother Nature provides further examples. The evolution of one's psyche is yet another example of change; one occurring on a profoundly intimate level within each and every one of us. This particular experience goes mostly unnoticed by the casual observer, let alone the individual himself in many cases. However, inner growth - essentially the alchemy of one’s soul - is the master creative work undertaken by us all: whether mindfully or not. Self-awareness is the key ingredient here; a healthy sense of humor doesn’t hurt either...

What are we here for if not to learn? One's personal development as a human being is of such primary importance that worldly or material gains don't hold much significance without it. "Money can't buy happiness" is often said and most folks I know tend to doubt this. Some think that being rich and unhappy is a far better state than being poor and unhappy. Yet entertainment and politics have presented us with the experiences of those who seemingly have it all and are still struggling with emptiness and sorrow. What it boils down to is this: if the challenges presented for spiritual growth are unmet or avoided, the individual suffers, regardless of wealth.

Not that this is an easy task…

Over the holidays I saw the Jim Carrey remake of the classic tale, "A Christmas Carol", a movie I had always loved as a child. I remember thinking about the astounding changes Ebenezer Scrooge underwent in such a short period of time. Here was a man who spent a lifetime denying warmth and companionship to everyone because of fiscal greed, and overnight he experiences a complete change of heart. On Christmas Day he’s a completely reformed family man carving the turkey at holiday dinner. He’s warm and generous and feeling grateful to have his family around – he even throws his hard-earned cash around town in a mad rush of charity and goodwill.

Granted, I understand that Hollywood has to distill the moral message into less than 120 minutes but I would love to see what a sequel of this tale would show us about the future Mr. Scrooge. A week later…six months later…as the years go by…hmmm. Was he able to sustain his initial enthusiasm toward correcting his stingy ways? This was an old man – and that gave him a long time to create the bad habits he sustained year after year. He may have been scared straight that Christmas morning, as any ghost-fearing person ought to be. But in the long run old Scrooge is bound to come across the daily difficulties of living that will absolutely challenge his newly-implemented world view. Does he have the coping mechanisms necessary to sustain this life epiphany?

The thing I’m getting at is that change on the inner level is not so immediately assimilated. Sure, one can recognize that a change is needed – and this is often a feat in itself – but what then?

The realization is only the beginning and it takes hard work, diligence and patience to access the dark corners of the psyche. I can’t tell you how excited I was to come to some of the many revelations I had about myself: finally some light in a dark room! My earliest introductions to my shadow reflected back at me were rough: “Whoa – am I really like that??” Not a proud moment, on the one hand, but very cool to see through my own erroneous illusions about myself. The thing is, just seeing isn’t enough. That simply marks the point where the real work begins and requires much commitment.

It is easy to criticize others for their shortcomings – people are so messed up, inconsiderate and self-centered they give us ample opportunity to judge. Or do they? In fact, many times what we are doing is projecting our own dark characteristics and inferiority on to someone else. Listen carefully to yourself when you make a value-based judgment on someone and you will no doubt hear your own inner critic talking. That which we identify in another can many times be found right at home, baby.

The effect of such projections is a dangerous one: “I’m this” and “You’re that.” It isolates and separates us from our friends and loved ones. Often, the thing that bothered me most about another was the exact quality I refused to identify in me. Because I was convinced of my “otherness” I created the illusion that I was somehow more “right”, when actually I was guilty of the same behavior. I would like to say that I am currently so evolved that I no longer continue this activity, but like I said – this stuff takes time and patience. I am seven years into this journey and the revelations just keep on coming…there really is no rest for the weary! It does get easier though, and when I spot my shadow these days I usually greet it like an old friend rather than an unwelcome guest.

Carl Jung states in his book AION that “It is often tragic to see how blatantly a man bungles his own life and the lives of others yet remains totally incapable of seeing how much the whole tragedy originates in himself, and how he continually feeds it and keeps it going.” I couldn’t agree more, CJ.

And so I carry on like a bumbling fool, trying my best to be the real me. I keep alert for signs of my own ridiculous projections and stay focused on the change I committed to so long ago. At times I think what is the point? I have felt excruciatingly frustrated and dark at times, not wanting to let go of whatever beloved illusion I was clinging to. Ultimately I continue my journey because I am pleased with the results so far, even if I had to eat some humble pie along the way. I can take responsibility for my contribution to the situation at hand and gladly move forward through trouble pretty quickly.


It is through vigilance and determination that one leaves this world as something greater than what they started as. If, dear reader, you expected overnight success in your endeavors, perhaps you feel disappointed in previous failed attempts at self-mastery. But remember that behind every overnight success is a lifetime of hard work. Greater understanding of one’s darkest corners can shine brilliant light on all the confusion the curious Ego has one shrouded in. Once you get over the initial defensiveness and fear, anything is possible, both materially and spiritually. The key is seeing it through and enjoying the bumps along the way as an attractive part of the ride.

Rules of Conduct

As a former Catholic, I'm the only one in my family who wanted no ties to organized religion. A seed that began in my teen years as a naive (and admittedly immature) rebellion against authority grew into an all-out, in-depth search of something that sounded true - and I truly left no stone unturned. I was determined to find a religion that suited me, some place I could fit in, a niche to call my own...

There were many "ah - ha!" moments; times when I tripped upon something that really clicked with me. I looked at the teachings of Buddha, ancient Toltec wisdom, practices of the Kabbalists, read some of the Koran - heck, I even looked in the Good News Bible from my old CCD days at Saint Joseph's parish...

I decided that they were all talking about the same damn thing and went back to being me. I further concluded that I would accept no human authority to be any higher than my own, knowing that if I really needed God, or Allah, or whomever, I could - and would - simply dial direct. Cut out the middle man. Religion felt too confining and archaic to me, and not simply because I lacked ability to follow any rules but because I inevitably found that if I questioned the rules too much I would find that a particular dogma simply (for me) did not fit.

Questioning the rules has always gotten humanity into trouble, and it caused me no less. But I was determined to find my own personal divinity, and luckily managed to do so relatively unscathed in the process. I think that questioning beliefs, and accepting that some answers cannot be found in books is one of life's greatest challenges and also an incredible gift. There is honor in this search. One of my favorite quotes is from the Teachings of Buddha and says that "to conquer one's Self is a greater feat than to conquer many in battle."

The turmoil involved in upsetting the applecart is difficult: in my case, I chose not to baptize my daughter when she was born, a decision which troubled my parents greatly. They worried: would she be Godless? Would she have no direction? Is she going straight to hell if she dies? How about that "Original Sin" business - how will we ever wash it away?? The scariest thought of all was the fear of how others in our family might perceive us. (I assured them both that everyone already thought the lot of us were quite mad and nothing was likely to change the tide of opinion at this juncture...)

These thoughts and more crossed my own mind during my first year as a mother. A year like no other in my life, filled with newfound confidence and strength...and also terror at my clear lack of aptitude in tending to infants. I was certainly in need of some rules to live by, some easy no-fail answers from the Book of Life so I wouldn't have to face my fears of failure on my own. I considered baptism seriously and then decided it would be a grave sacrilige on my soul should I divert from the personal spiritual belief system I had so carefully and lovingly cultivated for myself over the last decade. Turn back now? I was not willing to do that, and so moved bravely forward into the face of my shocked parents, and went public with my spiritual self. In retrospect, they handled this quite well.

I write all this not to convince folks one way or the other about baptism, because frankly, I think it is a perfectly nice way to celebrate a new life's entry to the world. It is a symbolic and lovely introduction. It says this child belongs somewhere and that somewhere is not only the family he or she is born into, but also the community at large. It is the soul's first party, comemmorating it's entry into the human vessel. Maybe someday my daughter will choose to be baptized somewhere. I hope she invites me...

I started to occasionally visit church on Sundays this year, despite my deep reservations. I have been going through changes yet again, and it was through the rite of passage that was my daughter's birth four years ago that I can say I decided to re-enter the community in general... and as of late the community I have shunned for so long. I missed the time-out that Sunday service provided. I enjoy pausing to reflect upon my week, listening to a beautiful hymn, and sharing ideas with new friends.

I choose to attend the Universalist church in my neighborhood because of the great respect and tolerance that is shown for all religions and ways of life there. In this ever-shrinking global village we must find a way to understand eachother's traditions respectfully and get along.

I like that I found a place where I can simply be me, and I am not expected to conform to someone else's standard of living. After all, aren't we all made in God's loving image? How can any one of us say one expression is right or wrong? It is pretty typical of us lowly little humans to personify the Divine: we've been doing it through mythology and sanctifying it ever since. As if a power so great actually should have petty preferences regarding our human conduct...as if!

I can hear the gasp of horror from my parents now, but I have found myself back where I started - yet completely changed from my former self. Instead of asking questions of a robed priest who barely made time to consider his answers I now speak to Reverend David Horst who is quite normally attired and takes time to email me and even call me on occasion. I am his equal, and I owe him great thanks for that. I guess I have finally found my place.

Tidbits, Thoughts, and Things Better Left Unsaid: Bite Your Tongue!

There are more people on the planet at this moment than at any other time in history. The space between us is shrinking, both literally and figuratively. I look around and it seems that every square inch of land is being built upon and occupied by grand housing developments and apartment complexes. Homeowners with enough free land will build a house right in their back yard, squeezing yet another family onto the block. If you’re an apartment dweller, you no doubt have at least one roommate (if not several) and others who live above and/or below you. Yet, as physically close as we humans get, I’m weary of how disconnected we are as a whole.

In this new millennium we can communicate in any way imaginable. We have Blackberries and iPhones and instant messaging and texting and Facebook and Twittering: blah, blah, blah. Everybody’s tweeting and nobody’s talking. Heaven knows we could simply pick up the damn phone now and again, but who the hell does that anymore? Take a personal inventory: we’re all crammed so tightly together, but when’s the last time you just popped by someone’s place to say an informal hello? Do you know your neighbors? Do you even want to?? The fact of the matter is that with all this advanced communicating we’ve developed, I’m noticing there is a breakdown in how we actually relate to one another. With that comes a whole host of problems, because if you can’t relate to somebody you probably don’t consider their feelings or needs. And you certainly don’t feel responsible for them. Inequities in our day-to-day dealings invariably come up, and they require concessions on the parts of all involved.

But what if nobody wants to back down? What becomes of a society stressed to the max in this crowded, dog-eat-dog world - where time spent together as a community is mainly routed through the internet? I fear we are losing touch with our ability to personably commune with one another, and proper or even congenial behavior is becoming a dinosaur of the past.

I’ll give you an example, one we can all relate to: road rage. You can put a perfectly respectable person behind the wheel of an automobile and watch all their manners completely crumble to bits. I guess when you’re in a car it is easier to rage out on somebody; the car holds us captive in it’s safe little bubble and we spit out obscenities we would be unlikely to say in a face-to-face conflict. We are rude, discourteous and entitled drivers. We speed, cut people off, don’t stop for pedestrians, and languish in front of ambulances – all because, presumably, wherever we are headed is far more important than wherever the “Other” is headed. We are running late perhaps, or maybe think we had the right of way, or we’re stuck in merging traffic.

Assuming that everyone on the road pays taxes, the road actually belongs to all of us (surprise!)…and I’m pretty sure the topic of sharing was a hot one at everyone’s pre-school. Is it time for a review of some basics? My point here is…what ever happened to the “thank-you”? You know, the little wave that people used to give that signals to your fellow driver that you appreciate them? No one seems to do it anymore and I’m not ashamed to say I miss that tiny flick of the wrist. Call me old fashioned, but the general lack of good manners marks the demise of courteous and orderly driving.

In fact, good manners and courteous behavior seems to be on the outs in all facets of life. One look at the media’s fascination with celebrity stalking and you get a good sense of public interest that has passed interesting and become absurdly perverse. The incessant babble about weight fluctuations and fashion faux-pas has gone way too far – at what point did it become necessary to report on the dietary whims and sibling rivalry of the Kardashian sisters? Is this information I need? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say “no” – and for those who think that celebrities love all that negative press simply because it’s press, well…I’m betting all the careless gossip effects them quite badly. What happened to the value of one’s word?

Words are powerful things, they can cast spells and ruin lives – it is important, therefore, to be impeccable with our words. Use them to create something loving, productive or kind and the energy of the world around you will be a reflection of that. Use them to manipulate, deceive, or create senseless drama and your world will surely reflect back exactly what you have created. (Makes me wonder if those tabloid journalists are very happy…)

Speaking of celebrities, how about Kanye West as a sparkling example of inappropriateness? The guy practically shoved Taylor Swift off stage at the MTV Video Music Awards last week. And for what? This is not the first time West has embarrassed himself like this, and it’s a lot like my whole driving example where someone who is a perfectly intelligent human being suddenly short-circuits and becomes this raging idiot. A little impulse control goes a long way, and this is yet another example of the world’s short supply.

I bring up Kanye as an example because we can all relate this into our own non-televised worlds. Let’s face it: he certainly didn’t invent the art of hassling his peers. Too often when our colleagues do well at work we sneer, judge, and pick them apart – usually behind that person’s back. The success of a co-worker invariably puts them up for judgement by the whole, which instead of genuinely wishing someone well will eagerly tear them down. “She didn’t deserve that promotion”, or “He only got there because he knows someone” is an all-too-common reaction.

We live in troubled times, and the hostility and anger within folks seems to bubble inappropriately up to the surface more and more. I get it: people have problems. I know – I have problems too. Yet time and again I am seeing examples of folks who somehow think that their pain is different, somehow more important than mine. A sense of privilege develops around a person who uses their pain as a crutch for self-victimization. Apparently, some folks believe that the problems that have developed in their life arose through absolutely no fault of their own, but occured through a series of actions by others who have “done” something to them. These “hurt” souls can never be appeased, at least not while they hold on to the idea that it is the outside world that creates their pain. Every action, word, slight is taken as a direct insult, and the “victim” reacts defensively, ready to fight: sometimes quite literally!! The problem with this is that now the pains of the “Other” must be taken out on someone (you, me), and consequently becomes my problem as well. Whew. As if I didn’t have enough on my plate.

Call me old fashioned, but I enjoy the congenial exchange of pleasantries with others. Even perfect strangers will get a nod of acknowledgement or a “hello” from me. I get a lot of strange looks from people who want nothing to do with me, even for a brief second – but I don’t let that stop me. It is too easy to get caught up in my own thoughts and feelings as I trudge through my day, never looking up to notice others around me. I see things, I notice people and although I’m in a rush, I pause throughout to enjoy the beauty taking place all around me. Because it is there, the beauty – just because it goes largely unnoticed does not mean it fails to exist. I see lots of other stuff too: clerks at check-out counters who don’t even look up when I arrive, never mind actually speak to me…gas station attendants who barely approach my window to ask me what I want, forcing me to crane my neck out behind me and shout to him at the back of my car…fellow drivers who lavish me with their pent-up rage…”friends” and associates who share tales thinly veiled as concern, speaking words about me that are simply not true.

Can I blame technology for these relational woes? Not really…I feel blessed to have so many options to reach out to the world. Honestly, how could I knock it as I’m sitting here typing up my blog? What sucks is getting so wrapped up in the text that we forget about the realness of the people who are behind the profile page. I just hope we haven’t forgotten how to really “LOL” – at each other and our selves. Lighten up a bit, take it easier on one another; maybe even give somebody else the right of way once in a blue…

Whatever the matter, I simply will not let the craziness get to me. I have to take responsibility for my own actions and feelings, and I refuse to allow my days to be ruined because of any outside force. I control my reactions to things, and ultimately, it is me who is in charge of my own happiness. I love Facebook, but I love the people I’ve connected with even more. I let Facebook be the vehicle, but I am the driver. I am truly grateful for all the people I have been able to personally “pop in” on as a result. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go update my status.

Pluto in Retrograde: Rooting Out My Dark Side

Hello there! (Such a cheery greeting coming from a gal who just a mere half hour ago was feeling, shall we say, less than cheery.) I'm feeling good tonight because I'm feeling kind of shitty, if that makes sense. Sometimes, I need a good boo-hoo. I don't indulge often, because I generally find displays of emotional neediness distasteful (a whole other issue). Tonight, however, there was no stopping the floodgates. Something vague has been persistent in gnawing at me for the last couple months and I have been unable to put my finger on it until this evening. When I did find the root of my sadness, I was like a child: inconsolable. I held it all together until I had my daughter safely tucked in bed, then poured myself a generous glass of Grey Goose, sat myself on the kitchen floor and sobbed for what seemed like a long time to me. I usually only allow myself a quick tear or two before wrapping it up and continuing on with the day's responsibilities...not tonight. I sat there, quite dramatically with my vodka and cigarettes, and allowed myself to cry every bit of it out. I needed to indulge these tears and get to the bottom of this melodrama.

With that done I picked myself up and got some scrap paper from the kitchen draw and wrote the following confession. I wrote this thing in order to process my feelings and it was quite cathartic and uplifting. I felt elated as I scribbled out the last sentence with my Sharpie, still down on the kitchen floor. I felt empowered by my pain and my ability to face it in the only way that ever makes sense for me: on my own. I knew if I felt this way then no doubt some of you may feel similarly. So I decide to post for the first time in months - hey, better late than never.

The title of this confession is Pluto in Retrograde, which may bewilder those of you who are not "into" astrology. Pluto is currently in Retrograde (or reverse) motion and will not go direct until September 11. Pluto in astrology represents power and transformation: you will be called to breakdown psychological blocks to your evolutionary growth, depending on its house placement in your natal chart. Pluto in Retrograde changes this energy inward toward soul development, and forces the subconscious to bubble up to the surface. Now is the time to face any inner demons, folks...the energy is ripe, if one is willing. But the truth is elusive and facing our darkest corners can be tricky at best. The question is, how deep are you willing to go to empower yourself?

Here's my kitchen-floor rant: unedited, word for word.

I am what I see.
I am ignorant.
I am trying not to see what I am trying to see.
I am stuck.
I am responsible for my current state of consciousness.
I am the master of my fate - blind or otherwise.

Do I dare to look inside and see the reality of who I am vs. who I pretend to be?

I wear a mask of strength.
I am intolerant of weakness...because I am weak.
I am weak.
I am strong because I am weak.
I am weak nonetheless, and must accept this fact as my truth.
I can live with this.

I have pain that I cannot name.
I do not know where it begins or where it ends.
I have weakness that I cannot heal and this makes me angry.

I disguise feelings of jealousy with self-righteousness.
I am jealous, at this very moment, of other people's happiness.
This makes me feel very small and very sad.
There is a hole on my heart and this hurts.

I have never thought of myself as a jealous person.
This has been my ongoing perception of myself.
This perception is incorrect and has only served to bolster my ego and cause me more suffering.
I do not wish to suffer this deceit any longer so I am hereby releasing my mask of self-confidence and bravado and admitting to myself that I am weak.
This makes me strong.

I have done terrible things to myself and for this I am sorry.
My deepest desire is to deliver myself from this self-inflicted anger and treat myself with greater kindness and respect.
If I can nurture my weakness and shortcomings instead of torturing myself for not being good enough then I have a chance to become whole.
I would like this very much.

I have been blessed with many gifts and have spurned these blessings as a Born-Again Christian curses the Devil.
This has been a grave sin against my soul and I am weak because I never took the chances offered to me.
The word sin means to "miss the mark" when literally translated from the Ancient Greek the New Testament was written in. In sin I miss the point of human existence and live blindly.
I believe that I have done this and it has caused me to suffer and live in disfunction.
I am sorry for this but realize that I needed to learn this way.

This has been my confession.
I am going to publish it because I know that if I feel this way then others must too.
I do not want to live in fear of expressing my true feelings about myself, even if those feelings are shame.

I am ashamed of many behaviors and thoughts.
I own it: it is mine.
My desire is to take this shame out of its dark closet and look at it in the light.
I will look clearly at it, for it is a part of me and that is fine.
Darkness cannot exist where there is light.

Tonight I invited my Shadow to join me. I try to coax her gently out of the closet, but it is a bitch getting her out of there under all the years of accumulated "stuff" I'd thrown on top of her. I think Shadow was surprised by my warm (teary) smile. She stands acknowledged and respected now - as family ought to be- and I've got a refreshing glass of iced tea waiting for her out on the front porch. I give her a hug and let her know I've decided to introduce her to the world. It is nice to see her.

Me and My Big Ideas

Two weeks ago I had this grand idea in the middle of the night (when all the "grandest" of ideas come about, generally because one is sleep-deprived and mildly hallucinating). My idea was to create a blog, a place called home; a place where I would be able to carry out all the thoughful, insightful and generally mind-blowing samples of journalism I could muster. I had LOADS of stuff I wanted to weigh in on, oh yes. Flashes of genius in the middle of the night always produce such lovely fruit. Problem is, in the light of day, I had to sit down and compose these flashes into a single focus and put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard).

Turns out I'm not such a fucking genius, and I'm a bit stuck. I want this blog to bear fruit, but what kind? I briefly considered the topic of internet porn after dumpster diving into my junk mail - I truly had no idea how many people were into beastiality and housewife sluts. A disturbing trend, to say the least. But is this the subject that I want to open with? Other than some sporadic facebook-ing, this blog is my first jump into the "World-Wide-Net", which is a territory so foriegn to me. I decide this is not how I want to say "hello", but table it for a later date.

What then? Religion, politics? Maybe one of my short stories, ones that I loosely term as "fiction" but are honestly pieces of my life with the names changes to protect the innocent.... Fiction is a probable outlet here, but again, not yet. I'm saving that for later when I actually have some readers.

There are always things to talk about; I know I turn on my TV and see endless gripings about this and that. And in my general day-to-day interactions with the public people talk a lot - incessantly! However I've noticed that people (myself included) seem to talk a lot without saying much. This sort of talk is pretty cheap, and it's hard to find folks that want to relax and listen respectfully to one another - speaking when they have something that's actually relevant to add. Mostly, folks are just waiting to speak, and not really listening to the other person at all. This trend in our way of relating produces lots of gossipy snippets, excitedly babbled and quickly forgotten. So I still need to pull some ideas...some inspiration. What is it that truly interests people?

Mostly people seem interested in the state of Rhianna's domestic affairs, a subject matter that hits home for me (pun intended), yet the public facination with her story is almost as surreal as the fact that Jay-Z is asking Ms. Tina Turner to counsel her. When my ex stalked me and pummeled my face in (among other things), it was hard just to get the Malden police to serve up a restraining order, never mind contacting a rock-star-turned-buddhist to mentor me. As for the other big news story - the recession and all the financial deviants involved - well this makes me pretty fired up! I mean, by all accounts there are plenty of us who could count ourselves as literal criminals, and life and limb would be (and has been in some of our cases - you know who you are!) threatened to the fullest extent of the law. Yet one looks at these white-collar criminals and the million dollar bonuses they recieve and feels powerless. We scratch our heads wondering what to do? Somebody I knew years ago broke into a residential home in search of cash and there were no lingering questions in that case as to how to best proceed - why is justice in the financial world any different?

Sadly, although I read the Wall Street Journal religiously every day, I have no answers on this topic either. Or maybe I do, but I am terrified of exposing myself as inept and incredibly stupid because my understanding of the specifics lack substance. I'd have to go back to Bentley College and finish that degree in Accounting and International Finance I started and lord knows there is a reason why I dropped that course of study like a bad habit. Swimming in that vast sea of information and politics is more than I care to take on.

So I leave it up to you, dear readers. Or reader (thanks, Dad for signing on). What do you want to hear me mouth off on? I'm taking suggestions, and I am looking forward to writing about something, someday. Throwing the ball into your court seems to be the safest thing I can do here, since it ensures that at least somebody will like what I wrote - or feign some interest. After all, rejection sucks, and though I'm no stranger to it I would prefer to have some healthy admiraton for a change...humor me?

Be Well - Do Good
Jennifer Psallidas

Untitled Poem - Jennifer Psallidas

Wings of Bondage
Set me free
Sail over wet lands

Sweet teary Sun,
So bravely shining...
How does the lustful observer gain passage?
By rocket?
Some mystical vessel, set sail on the stars?
Where is the portal?

Fluted engines drive me on
My path is still unclear
I've travelled infinite miles
Over thousands and thousands of years.